Congress Heads Home to Hide Out from Constituents

Following their vote to strip health insurance from tens of millions of Americans without so much as waiting for a CBO score, members of congress abandoned the capitol today to race home, lock their doors, and hide from their furious constituents. As taxi cabs and Ubers dislodged congressmen and women at Washington DC airports, they rushed to get through the security checks, believing that their safety could be better protected on the far side of TSA’s screeners.

Rep. Darrell Issa of California’s 49th District brushed past reporters at Dulles, unwilling to comment on the moment when he cast the deciding vote to put the American Health Care Act over the top. “AHCA?” he replied. “I’ve never even heard of that.”

Rep. Cathy McMorris-Rodgers got out of town late last night, arriving home to Washington State’s 5th District early this morning. Her husband picked her up at Spokane International Airport, then drove at a high rate of speed to their house, where they worked together to close the curtains and double check that their windows were locked. An hour later, McMorris-Rodgers was seen opening her front door to a grocery delivery from online ordering service InstaCart. Shouted questions from reporters were largely ignored, though just before slamming and locking the door, she called out, “Please don’t tell anyone I’m here!”

While House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly returned home to Janesville, Wisconsin, in the dead of night, at press time, his specific whereabouts were unknown and neither he nor his staff answered texts or phone calls for comment. Reports from Janesville indicate that his house is completely dark, with heavy blinds drawn on every window. Constituents seeking a town hall with their congressman have been ignored. After passing one of the least popular pieces of legislation ever initiated in the House of Representatives, it seems that Paul Ryan has decided that laying low for a while is the best thing he can possibly do for his career.

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