Congress Mulls “No Guns For Assholes” Law

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an early test of the political capital she garnered after her blow-out defeat of Republican Donald J. Trump in the 2016 presidential election, allies of President-elect Hillary Clinton have introduced a bill in the House of Representatives that would expand background checks for gun purchases and close the so-called “gunshow loophole” that has dogged gun safety advocates for years. The legislation, officially known as “No Guns For Assholes,” triggered immediate squabbling by hardened partisans on both sides of the issue.

Speaker Paul Ryan indicated that he may delay consideration of the bill until the new congress is sworn in in January. “What the Democrats always seem to forget,” he told reporters at a morning press conference on the bill and other pending business before the House, “is that the United States Constitution protects assholes, too. We are deeply concerned that the incoming Clinton administration will decide that it can trample on the rights of America’s assholes. Assholes can trust that the Republican Party will always have their backs.”

Connecticut Sen. Chris Murphy, a Democrat and staunch proponent of gun safety measures, has announced that he plans to introduce identical legislation in the Senate as soon as tomorrow. “We have a long way to go in addressing our epidemic of gun violence,” Murphy told reporters, “but who doesn’t think that keeping guns out of the hands of assholes isn’t a great first step?”

When asked for comment, a spokesman for President-elect Clinton merely chuckled.

(Photo by AP)

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