NEW YORK – Americans under age 50 woke today to the news that the man who developed a potent virus that ate their parents’ brains has died at 77. Roger Ailes, whose “Fox Virus” was released into the world in 1996, had pioneered a new method of inducing paranoia, a sense of grievance, and a permanent victimhood in older brains. Subsequently, two generations of Americans have watched in horror as their parents progressed down the disease pathway, often changing from perfectly normal, intelligent, intellectually vibrant adults into angry, frightened senior citizens in a matter of 24 months or less.
Thomas Frieden, who served as Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta from 2009-2017, released a statement shortly after the news broke. “While the man responsible for the Fox Virus is gone, I am sad to report that the effects on older brains will continue, and are likely irreversible. It is our responsibility to our elders to continue to ensure that they are taking care of themselves, living in safe environments, and maintaining their hygiene and other quality of life factors. When checking on your older loved ones, healthcare professionals recommend steering clear of politics as you interact with infected seniors.”
At press time, no cause of death had been released by Ailes’s family. Senior citizens reacted with sorrow to the news of his passing, while those under 50 struggled to avoid publicly celebrating the death of a man who robbed them of the people who raised them.