Hamilton to Paul Ryan: Don’t Throw Away Your Shot

NEW YORK – In what they called a “last ditch effort to save our democracy,” the cast of the smash hit Broadway musical Hamilton has decided to offer Speaker of the House Paul Ryan what it called “a really sweet deal” – his very own chance to star on the Broadway stage in the role of the show’s villain, Aaron Burr.

A cast member speaking anonymously earlier today from the Richard Rodgers Theater told BNN exclusively, “Trust us on this everybody, we know American history. It’s literally all we do, we just happen do it in song and costume. With the introduction of his American Death Care Act or whatever he’s calling it, this country just can’t afford to have Paul Ryan in Congress any longer. But hey, America is all about reinvention. We really think Ryan will do an amazing job playing Aaron Burr. There hasn’t been an American politician so weasley and unwilling to take a stand in nearly 250 years. We see a chance here to make some ideal casting, and save our democracy at the same time.”

Hamilton’s cast made waves last fall when Mike Pence, then the vice president-elect, took in the show and was met with a lengthy appeal to his better nature from the stage at the end of the performance. Sadly, Pence has no better nature.

Asked whether they thought Ryan was up to the challenge of learning the part and participating in a grueling Broadway schedule, the cast member replied, “We feel good. The guy brags about his workout routine all the time, so he’s obviously got stamina. We can train anybody in vocals and dance moves, and he comes off as a natural for both. What we can’t teach is that dead-eyed, icy cold tentacles of treason thing he’s got going on. That’s all him, and we’d be blind to pass up the opportunity. Paul Ryan was born to play this role.”

As of press time, Ryan had not yet pulled his head out of his own ass to respond to the cast’s offer, but theater kids everywhere have hope.

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