America’s Hottest Bachelor an International Man About Town

WASHINGTON – With rumors of romantic trysts swirling from Cleveland to New York City to DC, Russian Ambassador to the United States Sergey Kislyak might just be America’s hottest bachelor. Recent media reports suggest that he’s adored both by the powerful and those seeking power, and his star-studded hookups are making editors at normally staid publications like the New York Times and Washington Post positively blush!

First it was… well, we’ve actually lost track. Carter Page? Paul Manafort? Who cares, they’re yesterday’s news. The most prominent figure yet to fall hard for the robust Russian is none other than retired Gen. Michael Flynn, whose furtive Christmastime contacts, and his deep desire to keep the relationship discrete, ultimately cost Flynn his job as National Security Advisor.

Jeff Sessions at home in Alabama

Now Attorney General Jeff Sessions is facing questions about his relationship with Sergey Kislyak.

But did Flynn know that then-senator, now Attorney General Jeff Sessions already had his eyes on the strapping Soviet? Now Sessions is holding press conferences that remind us most of all of Mark Sanford’s catastrophic star turn after hiking the Appalachian Trail. Don’t worry, Jeff. After Mark spent a few years in the wilderness, he won a seat in the House and is now hard at work trying to uninsure South Carolinians. Don’t give up when you have to resign. America is the land of second acts!

And what about Jared Kushner? When he and Flynn smuggled Kislyak into a golden tower back in December, was it for a golden shower? And what does Ivanka have to say about her husband’s Eastern European extracurriculars?

Sergey, please, tone it down. Logic tells us you can’t have everyone in power – but the evidence increasingly suggests you already have.

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