Paul Ryan Preps to ‘Replace’ With JOHNGALT

WASHINGTON – Though staring down a newly Democratic United States Senate and a Hillary Clinton presidency, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan says he is committed to continuing to push for “conservative solutions based on conservative ideals.”

Today, the Speaker officially unveiled the GOP’s long-awaited replacement proposal for Barack Obama’s signature policy achievement, the Affordable Care Act. Republicans have voted dozens of times to repeal the law, which has reduced the ranks of uninsured Americans to historic lows, but have struggled to produce a viable replacement mechanism.

Ryan believes his plan, known as JOHNGALT, or the “Just Only Hope you Never Get A Long Term illness” act of 2017 is finally the plan that meets the needs of the moment. “By harnessing the profound power of Americans’ hopes to stay and be healthy, JOHNGALT makes health insurance unnecessary, and will save the nation and its people trillions in the coming decades. With hope, we can eliminate categories like ‘pre-existing conditions.’ No one, and I mean no one in our great country, is excluded from hope.”

Reached for comment, a spokesperson for House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said, “Did Wisconsin legalize acid in this election and I missed it?”

At the Clinton transition team, incoming White House Press Secretary Neera Tanden told reporters, “The American people are probably only hoping the Speaker never gets any real power in government. Who is JOHNGALT? I guess he’s not a healthcare wonk.”

(Photo: Tony Alter)

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