HEAVEN – In a rare public appearance, the Ghost of Ronald Reagan shared some thoughts with a reporter about the events unfolding back in the world where he lived for 93 years.
“What a mess,” he told a reporter, smiling affably. “I’ll admit that I was a little depressed after the RNC. I mean, I built a strong and coherent GOP that thrived for decades. Times change, but it was a kick in the gut to see that end. I guess we’re not winning ’em for the Gipper anymore.”
And what about the election itself? “Oh, I was even more depressed after the election, but lately I’ve decided to take all these feelings and put them to work instead of moping around. Nancy’s so relieved. She just got here last year, which was such a sweet reunion, but then within months I was grumbling around and kicking cloud fluff everywhere.”
How is the Ghost of Ronald Reagan, er, exorcising his personal demons in the new era? “Oh, I’ve been haunting the fuck out of Paul Ryan. I like to follow him around and wail and moan and shriek, especially when he goes into a men’s room. He’s like everybody else, he can’t hear me per se, but the hair on his arms stands up and he looks around like he’s sure he’s not alone. And he’s not! The Ghost of Ronald Reagan is right behind you, Paul!”
The deceased president, who was first elected in 1980 and easily won a sweeping reelection campaign in 1984, continued. “This morning, I went to the Capitol Gym with him so I could sit on his barbell when he did bench presses, but it was leg day, so, boring. He’s such a gym rat.”
Is there any message that the Ghost of Ronald Reagan wishes the press could convey on his behalf to Speaker Ryan? “As long as he isn’t moving toward impeaching that mistake sitting behind my desk, he’s just going to have to wonder where all those jelly beans he keeps getting pelted with are coming from. I think eventually he’ll do the right thing. In the meantime, I’m having more fun lately than I have in years.”
“You know what?” he continued. “Just tell Paul Ryan that Ronald Reagan says, ‘Boo!'”