White House Names New Robot Speaker: Lie Bot 3000

WASHINGTON – Capping a turbulent four months in office, the White House today made a clean sweep of its communications team and announced the firing of Press Secretary Sean Spicer, Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and White House Communications Director Mike Dubke. Rumors of the shakeup had swirled throughout the morning, but it wasn’t until White House correspondents filed into the briefing room for the scheduled daily briefing that they learned the identity of the team’s replacement.

“Hello, journalists,” a humanoid robot told the reporters from Sean Spicer’s old lecturn. “I am the Lie Bot 3000 and I am here to answer your questions to help inform the American people.”

There was stunned silence until a reporter from The New York Times asked, somewhat haltingly, “Do you have any reaction to news that the President asked former FBI Director Comey to stop the bureau’s investigation of Michael Flynn?”

The Lie Bot’s internal gears whirred for a moment before it replied, “While the president has repeatedly expressed his view that General Flynn is a decent man who served and protected our country, the president has never asked Mr. Comey or anyone else to end any investigation, including any investigation involving General Flynn. The president has the utmost respect for our law enforcement agencies, and all investigations. This is not a truthful or accurate portrayal of the conversation between the president and Mr. Comey.”

“But you’re called the Lie Bot 3000,” the reporter followed up. “Does that mean everything you just said is bullshit?”

“It would be difficult for me to answer within the parameters of my programming,” the Lie Bot responded.

The Washington Post posed the next question, asking for new reaction to news that President Trump gave highly sensitive Israeli-sourced intelligence to Russia’s foreign minister and Ambassador during a meeting last week. The Lie Bot again whirred briefly, then articulated an answer. “In the context of that discussion, what the president discussed with the foreign minister was wholly appropriate to that conversation and is consistent with the routine sharing of information between the president and any leaders with whom he’s engaged. It is wholly appropriate for the president to share whatever information he thinks is necessary to advance the security of the American people. That’s what he did.”

“Okay, and as a follow-up,” the correspondent replied, “nothing about the conversation was appropriate and everything you just told me is untrue?”

The Lie Bot whirred some more, then said simply, “If you continue to challenge my program routines, this briefing might never end!”

The question-and-answer session went on for approximately 40 minutes until the Lie Bot’s circuits appeared to fully overload as a Fox reporter asked about the hunt to find the leakers within the White House.

In a prime time interview scheduled to air on ABC tonight, teaser segments feature the president showing off his new talking robot. “Isn’t it the greatest?” he says in one clip. “It’s the greatest thing. They’re by Toyota, they design them in Japan. They build them in China. I knew right away that it would be the best White House spokesman, some people are saying in history. The best in the history of the White House. It’s almost so good that Melania can stay in New York.”

Facebook Comments